Bittersweet...but mostly sweet

Today was my last day of undergraduate classes. I can hardly believe it, even as I type the words. I don't feel much different from my freshman self a short four years ago, but looking back I can see just how much I have changed. I don't really feel like going into all of the complex feelings I am experiencing as I face graduation, so instead I will make a short list of things I will miss and won't miss about college classes:
Will miss: waking up early and seeing the sun rise as I walk to class, laying out on the lawn and studying, people watching between classes, all-nighter cram sessions with friends, having something to dress outrageously for, not being held accountable for most of my actions, having summer break, having Thursday be a socially acceptable day to go to the dancey bars.
Won't miss: Waking up early to drag my butt to class, walking in the snow and rain, waiting on buses, sitting for hours in a classroom, obscene amounts of schoolwork, stress of homework and exams, not having time for friends, feeling like a child most of the time.
So all-in-all, I am ready for this transition. All I have to do is survive finals week. Eye of the tiger!!!!

I eat the head off first

Easter is wonderful for many reasons, one of those reasons being the chocolate bunnies. Being in bunny form makes the chocolate taste better, I swear it does (Not unlike cartoon-shape macaroni). I was planning on writing a blog about my moral opposition to dressing up for church (and if you want to know why, I'll explain but it is silly) but then I remembered 2 Tim 2:23. That particular verse states, "Have nothing to do with foolish, ignorant controversies, you know that they breed quarrels."
So rather than write the aforementioned rant, I will simply say, friends, rejoice in this day. Let's put aside our differences and brokenness and remember the events that transpired to give us the grace and freedom we enjoy so undeservedly. Happy Easter <3
P.S. I know this is a day late, I wrote it in church and never got access to a computer. Oopsy :)

Home again, home again, jiggedy jig

Home. I am home for Easter and it is lovely. I find that there are certain things, and also certain smells and foods that simply remind me of home. No matter where I am, coming into contact with any one of these things brings instant comfort. When I was in Haiti and so far removed from anything familiar, the only time I felt ok was when I pet a Haitian cat that reminded me of my baby, Sassy. Here is a few things that are home to me:


- Fried Chicken
- Cats
- the smell of Folger's coffee
- Brown carpets
- Pianos
- The movie, "It's a Wonderful Life"
- Japanese food
- Fireplaces
- Monopoly
What is home to you?

Jenga

My life is a game of Jenga. My mistakes, my bad habits and my personality flaws are all pulling the pieces out from under me and I can feel it...
wavering...
quivering...
I watch my fingers as they reach for that fateful piece. That wrong piece. That vital.last.piece.
Inwardly I scream at myself not to touch it, but I know I will, I always do.
Jenga.

tell me your heart doesn't race for a burning building

Do you ever get the impulse to jump in front of a car or throw yourself off of a tall building? And please don't misunderstand me, I am not morbid or suicidal, and I don't wallow in the macabre. I would often experience those impulses while going for a walk along highways or riding my bike across a bridge, and would be deeply disturbed by them. "Am I suicidal? Do I want to die?" But then I realized I did not desire death, I simply wanted to experience feeling truly alive. So much of my life is spent in a numb, almost dream-like state that the surge of adrenaline accompanying such a catastrophe was exactly what I needed. Also, I just want to know what it's like to be struck by a car. Call me curious. Do you feel that way, desperate for something, anything to make you feel....really feel alive?
On a lighter note, I am treating myself to a new pair of shoes. I have it narrowed down to two. Help me pick?

I can't think of a good title.

Once, I decided that I would try to start biting my nails. Why? Because I liked the idea of being "the girl who bites her nails." Like, my friends would look at me and say, "Oh that Stephanie just can't stop biting her nails..." or my boyfriend would look at the gnawed remnants of my fingernails and just smile and shake his head... and I liked that idea. So I tried to start a habit of chewing my fingernails, but unfortunately it just didn't take. My fingernails are incredibly strong and by the time I remembered I was supposed to chew them, they were already too long and strong for my poor teeth to demolish. Not that I don't have other nervous habits; I'm a compulsive lip-chewer, jewelry-player-wither, and hummer...but I don't like the idea of those as much. Oh well. Have you ever decided to adopt something as part of your identity, just for kicks? Did it take?

עֲמַלְיָה

I look at my life now, I don't recognize it. It is as if I went to bed an ugly stepsister, wretched and forsaken, and awoke a princess, filled with a world of beauty and promise. I praise the Lord every day for his accomplishment in turning my life into something I can be proud of when I reveal my heart to my close friends. So completely transformed am I, I feel like I should change my name... Isn't that what people did in the Bible times when they underwent a transformation? Call me Amalya, which translated from Hebrew means "Work of God". I look forward to what He has in store for me next.

Feeding sharks

I was listening to a band called "Sleeping at last" (if you haven't heard of them, I highly recommend looking them up) and a lyric stuck out to me especially. The lyric was, "walking on the ocean floor, feeding sharks out of our hands" and it got me thinking about the possible metaphor behind that line. Feeding sharks out of your hand is a dangerous activity that encourages familiarity with an animal that has a reputation for being destructive, dangerous, and unpredictable. It reminds me of some instances in my own life where I feed my sharks, or destructive life patterns. I have weaknesses, like anyone, that more often than not I embrace rather than attempt to conquer. I adopt these flaws as a part of me, encouraging them and feeding them. There are "sharks" everywhere in the form of alcohol/drug abuse, anger, pornography, and self-deprecation, among many more. Why do we feed them? They are dangerous and will try to kill us given the chance...and they are always hungry. What are your thoughts? What are some of your "sharks"?

Formality and salad forks

Please... let's not stand on formality.

 I dislike politesse for politesse's sake. I think the strict rules of high society is just another way to divide and classify people who are, at their core, essentially the same. Many a wonderful and memorable conversation has been squelched to maintain a sense of formality, and our pomp and frill only serves to keep others at an arms length. Don't look at the tags on my clothes, don't look at the brand of my shoes. Look me in my eyes and let us share a pot of tea and find something we have in common, which I am guessing is more than either of us would have ever guessed. Also, what is up with salad forks? Who cares which fork you use for dinner and which you use for salad? Shoot, I'll just have soup.

This bathroom is bigger than my bedroom!!!

This weekend I am staying at a friend's lake house with my community group. I was confused at first, mainly because I didn't understand the concept of a lake house. A house that's just for summer time? But why? Nevertheless, my perplexion (is that a word?) didn't stop me from enjoying this magnificent establishment. Can I just describe my morning here?

7:30 am- awoke and went downstairs to the kitchen to make coffee and nom on homemade banana bread.

8:30-9:30 yoga by the bay window overlooking the lake. The sunrise was just beautiful.

9:30-10:30 Sat on the dock by the lake with a blanket, cup of coffee, and my journal and had the most wonderful alone time with God. Listened to Bon Iver and watched the waves twist and break in the wind. I am truly blessed today, I pray for many more mornings like these.

10:30-12pm Everyone else woke up and we made cinnamon rolls and laughed and talked. What a perfect Saturday!

Tell me about your idea of the perfect Saturday, I'd love to hear it.

Dance Dance Revolution

Dancing is my favorite because it's like singing with the body! I also love to sing (which one might argue is like dancing with the voice). I went out to the dancey bars tonight with the people I work with, we hit the dance floor and we hit it hard. It was packed to the walls but people made room for us, but mostly because they were afraid they would get hit with wildly flailing punches and kicks. I was definitely the one dancing like I was intoxicated, but I was also the only one not drinking. I dig people who don't worry about what they look like while dancing, JUST MOVE YA BODY! How do you dance, you may ask? Allow me to break it down into two easy steps:

1. Put your hands in the air.

2. Wave them like you just don't care.

Got it? Good. I'll see you on the dance floor in five.

I'm a dork, but so are you. Perhaps not a dork for big glasses and reading old books like me, but if you are like most people then you are a dork for something. You can be a dork for fashion, a dork for animals.... the only criteria is you have to love that thing and know more about it than the average person would. Tell me, what are you a dork for?

Also, I was introduced to a new band today. They are called Freelance Whales. You should listen to them...

Also also, I am trying to decide whether to grow my hair long again or cut it shorter.

Transformers, Robots in Disguise

I love my transformers optimus prime T shirt, I will probably still wear it when I am 90. I've been thinking a lot lately about transformation. Can one thing, one person, ever truly be transformed? If you had asked me 6 months ago, I would say no... but new habits can be learned to give the appearance of a transformation. But now, looking at myself, I see that true transformation is possible. For the past year I have been a disaster. Self destructive life patterns and poor choices were strewn about my feet, stumbling me again and again. And then I gave up. I gave up trying to fix myself and told my Savior that if he could do anything with the mangled remains of my life, have a crack at it. Got your work cut out for ya, ol' buddy, ol' pal. But he took the broken shards of glass and created a stained glass window for His glory to shine through. Yesterday I was faced with a familiar scenario but I responded to it in a way so contrary to my nature that I know... I KNOW that some major transformation has happened while I wasn't even looking. Do you think people can change?

Big Girl Pants

Today I made perhaps the most important decision of the year: I decided that today is the day that I will grow up. I know, I know, I am in my 20s and should have done that a long time ago but I honestly believe that growing up is a conscious decision, not something that happens spontaneously as you age. I am so tired of shirking responsibilities, planning poorly, procrastinating, not taking initiative and just generally behaving like a child. I'm tired of apologizing and constantly being overwhelmed. Today is the first day of my adult life, and I gotta say... it feels damn good.
Now this doesn't mean I will give up the child-like parts of myself that I love. I will still climb trees, giggle at the word "duty", dip my cookies in milk, and gawk at sunsets like I've never seen one before. But when it comes to my professional life, I will grab life by the horns and (pardon the expression) make it my bitch.
Boys and girls, it's a new day.

exoskeleton

I love clothes. I love clothes, accessories, and other items worn ornamentally on the body. Not just on me, on other people as well...but not because I am frivolous and superficial. Allow me to explain. Have you heard the saying, "wear your heart on your sleeve"? That saying means a lot to me, but not how it was intended. I think that fashion choices and accessory selection is just another way to reveal small pieces of your heart, like your preferences, your values, your desires. Everyone is reaching out to others with a small, subtle message in what they adorn their body with. If you are interested in people like I am, these messages are fascinating. Just one example, the environmental enthusiast wearing non-synthetic fabric and recyclable "green" jewelry, telling anyone paying close attention about her passion for a healthy planet. All around you, strangers are telling you their favorite color, their favorite sports team, their level of self-esteem, their school, what they watch, where they come from.... whether or not anyone cares to listen is another matter entirely. So I guess the true message of this isn't that I love clothes.... it's that I love people.

Contextual Humanity pt. 2

I'm still thinking about context today... and another aspect struck me. Physical actions, especially intimate ones, have their own context as well. That context completely changes the meaning of it (though whether it changes the nature of the act is something many will argue). For example, sex can be so very special on a wedding night or between two people that love each other very much, and so very meaningless when exchanged by strangers. Tonight a friend extended a gesture towards me that in any other context would be touching, but insignificant.... but in this particular context....
It meant the world to me.

Can you relate?

contextual humanity

I think people are a lot easier to understand than they seem. People who follow alternative lifestyles (ie. manner of dress, speech, food choices, medical treatment, etc) may seem "weird" or "abnormal", but you just have to look at them in their own context. Look at someone in their own habitat and they aren't so hard to understand after all. It's like looking at a fish in a tank that should be in the ocean. It looks bizarre, it has both eyes on one side of its body and is a mottled brown color that sticks out like a sore thumb. But if you traced it back to its origin, you would see that lying on the floor of its habitat it blends in perfectly, completely flat in the murky mud to help it survive. Same with people, a person may look strange to you, but follow them to their habitat and you will see, their surroundings have shaped them. You simply have to understand the context of their lives to understand them. BOOM blowin' ya mind!!!!

How wonderful it must be to have a great, bushy tail

I am not cut out for adulthood. How do I know, you ask? Because during an important group meeting today I got lost in thought, staring out the window. Thinking about how wonderful it would be to be a squirrel. To climb trees all day, all the while waving and gesticulating emphatically with my fantastic tail. The only things on my To Do list would be:

• gather nuts


• not get run over


• have sex

So tomorrow at 11:11, I know Exactly what I am going to wish for. So if you see a squirrel tomorrow waving its tail extra emphatically... It's me.

NOT a fashion blog... but let's talk shoes

Ok so this is most definitely not a fashion blog, but I wanted to talk about a few trends I have noticed and love.
1. Headgear lust- bowler hats. I love them. I bought one but my head is too small to really pull it off so I will keep searching for one that fits a little better
2. shown to above right, Mary Jane wedges. Where has this shoe been all my life?? It can be dressed up or down, worn with jeans, leggings or dresses. And also wicked comfortable.
3. Hair- A recent trend I've noticed is long dark hair with blonde ends, like a short punk blonde style that grew out forever, as seen above left. I really like the look, but unfortunately ever since I chopped my locks, this one won't be an option for me for quite a while yet.

My new favorite fashion accessories for the upcoming season are: sheer white polka dotted tights, just got a pair at target and they are simply amazing. Wear them under shorts or with a minidress. Combat boots, this seasons badass alternative to the masculine gladiator sandles. Mismatched earrings, my favorite pair is a skeleton key on one ear and a lock on the other. Two-fingered rings, I got the perfect one a few months ago that I wear on my ring/middle fingers and it has the word LOVE encrusted with cubic zirconia. It's like a girly version of brass knuckles. What are some of your favorite fashion items for this spring?

More than a hug, less than a kiss

Today my hand fell asleep.
I laced the numb, dead fingers through those on my other, still living, hand
and for that moment, I felt what you would feel if you held my small, often cold hand
while going for a walk
snuggling on the couch
perhaps in a movie theater
in the car... no wait!! I need it to maintain 10 and 2 positioning....
But nevertheless, I decided it felt nice.
I would highly recommend it.

Mark Twain had it right

Was it Mark Twain that said, "I never let school interfere with my education"? Or did I just make that up... Well, if dear Mark did say that, he sure had it right. I love to learn, I think of myself as a life-long learner... but I hate school. Honestly, I feel like school is one of the biggest obstacles standing in the way of me and real learning. Sure, I am collecting a mass of facts and knowledge and receiving validation in the form of grades, but real learning is not happening as my butt remains glued to the desk chair.
Also desks and adulthood don't go together, in my opinion; perhaps that's why I still feel like a child most of the time.
To learn, I need to read books written by thinkers and dreamers, I need to climb mountains and I need to interact with people from other cultures. I need to be given plenty of room to get lost, and to fail. I can't learn inside of a box. I can be trained, but I can't learn. I know that what my schoolbooks and professors have to teach me may help me in my chosen profession, but work is such a small part of life. (to me, anyway... I know a multitude of people who would disagree)
This summer I am planning a two week roadtrip to do some searching for the Heart of God and hopefully stumble upon my own in the process. I anticipate learning more in those two weeks than all four years of college.

Forget ignorance, apathy is bliss

I miss the days when I didn't care. My sense of well-being was unflappable and my desire for the great beyond went untapped. But in these days of rapid change and growth, I find myself stirred to action; to passion, if you will.
Wanting something, really wanting something, is scary. When you really want something, the desire for that thing feels almost like possessing it. And when you are denied that thing, it feels very much like losing it.
I find myself wanting something very badly.
Well...
Two things.
But those two things are directly oppositional.
Either way I win, and either way I lose. But I trust the Lord and I trust His plan for my life. I know he has my best in mind, and He has big plans for me in the scope of His kingdom. I trust that, I really do.
I just wish He would let me in on the plan because not knowing is. just. awful.

thwarted

Last night at the hospital around 2AM I found a bit of free time, a lull in the action. I decided to crouch behind a computer, pretend to be doing work, and do a bit of blogging about what I was thinking and feeling about my experience of the day. In the next 20 minutes or so, I produced an insightful, moving monologue describing the wide range of emotions and thoughts that I had experienced in the last eleven hours. But as I was composing the conclusion, I was called away for a brief moment. But not brief enough, because by the time I returned my tab had been closed and my work was gone. Balls. So you will never know what words were intended to be in place of these, and I am not inclined to retype them because any emotions I was experiencing are now gone and I don't believe I could reproduce them with the same genuine spirit in which they were created. So there you have it. This is a non-blog. A blog in a blog's absence, if you will. But I felt the urge to write, and felt it better to write something about nothing than nothing at all. On another note, my sister came to visit today and seeing and speaking with her was like a drink of cold lemonade on a hot day.