Small comforts

So today I said my goodbyes and handed my darling boy over to Africa, begging it to take good care of him. Despondent, I found solace in my new batch of records that I enjoyed with a cup of green tea, cross-legged on my living room floor. Bon Iver's album, For Emma, Forever Ago is a life-changing piece when listened to on CD and absolutely transcendental when listened to on vinyl. The husky, dusky vocals and delicate, intoxicating instrumental intricacies make me feel as if I am walking barefoot through a moss-covered forest. For lighter, cheerier tunes, I just purchased the Ra Ra Riot album, Rhumb Line. All around great listen, interesting lyrics and the music is catchy but not dumbed down. Reminds me of a Tokyo Police Club/Vampire Weekend hybrid (both of which are on my list of albums to get on vinyl). Hopefully I will have a little extra money for new music, I think the next two artists I want to invest in are Lissie and Laura Gibson. Very uncharacteristic for me since I trend towards male vocalists but I am in love with their croaking, sing-me-to-sleep song styles. Check them out if you have the time.

Happy for you, but not happy

My darling pilot boy is leaving today for Rwanda, and will be gone the whole summer... it is a complicated emotion. I am ecstatic for him, and the amazing opportunity he gets to experience another culture and reach out to a hurting people... but at the same time I want him here with me. Perhaps this is how my mother felt when my father was called away with the Air Force time and time again. I'm happy for you, and so so very proud... but not happy.

I've missed you

I apologize for my absence, darlings, it's been a whirl of activity the past few weeks. I'll just share one thought I had the other day, and I beg your pardon if it comes off as a rant; it's meant merely as a critically thinking observation.
So I was thinking about the standards of beauty. I made a list in my head: Perfectly shaved legs/armpits, breath that smells of peppermint, red lips, smokey eyes, painted finger/toenails, tanned skin, perfectly groomed eyebrows, multi-colored, highlighted hair. What do these things have in common? Well, all of them are in some way part of the standard of beauty. Oh, and none of them occur naturally, or at least not in the way we are accustomed to them. They are a parody, a cartoon version of natural beauty. It's like a banana versus banana flavored taffy. Now please don't misunderstand me... I'm not a bra-burning feminist and I currently have shaved legs and painted nails myself... but I think these next few weeks I am going to try embracing my natural beauty and I wish more women (and men, please) would do the same. Let us love ourselves! Heck, I may even leave the house without make-up. Yikes!

do it like a dude

My friends constantly make fun of me for (their words, not mine) "dressing like a lesbian". Baggy plaid shirts, baggy denim shirts, combat boots, ripped up jeans... I have found that the way I feel reflects how I choose to dress myself. For the longest time I chose to be single, to be on my own, independent. I didn't need anybody and nobody needed me. I was a lone-wolf kind of dude. So I dressed like a lone-wolf kind of dude. Now as I embark on selecting my new spring wardrobe I find myself drawn to skirts, dresses, floral tops... And I suspect it's because for the first time in a long time, I feel like a girl. He makes me feel like a girl.
*note: this is not an exact science. I still plan on wearing my plaid shirts. Heck, I paid for 'em and by golly... I'm gonna wear 'em.

Bucket list

I can hardly believe it. In just a few short weeks I will receive a certificate that authenticates me as a f'real diploma carrying adult. I have so many things I want to do during my first year of adulthood and now that I will have more free time and steady income, I can do them! Here are just a few things I really want to do with the next year of my life. Some are concrete, some are abstract, all are long-awaited:
- Take guitar lessons
- Take voice lessons
- buy a road bike
- Work my way through the long list of books I want to read
- Brush up on my Spanish
- Get a tattoo
- Take some time for self-discovery
- Beef up my record collection
- Practice my obscure hobbies, like clothes altering, soap carving, and etch-a-sketching
- Go backpacking
I think those are pretty realistic for a whole year, there's no reason I can't at least knock out most of those. I'm excited.

Soiled

I have dirt and grit and mud on my face, caked in my eyes so I can no longer see the light. I wipe it away with equally muddy hands, wiping and wiping and never any cleaner for my troubles. I want so desperately to have my face cleaned, but I know before I can I must wash my hands. If only I could see to wash them.


I know this may make no sense to you, but I have no other way to describe what I am feeling.

so much bittersweetness

The end of the school year is rapidly approaching. Today I went to two events that have such a ball of emotion wedged in my throat, I may need CPR. I am in love with my church and my church family, today was the senior luncheon where we got to celebrate graduating and leaving our home of the past four years. It was so strange to remember just four years ago as a freshman, hearing the announcement for the senior lunch and fantasizing about the day I would be able to attend. It is bittersweet, at best. Today was also the last staff gathering for the coffee shop where I work. We had a picnic in the park and sat around as the seniors one by one recounted their favorite memories. I am so glad I chose to stay and work there for the summer, I am no where near ready to give up this group of wonderful people I have grown to love so dearly. Life transitions are always awkward and, not to overuse the word, bittersweet. There is something beautiful about a life change; you are set free to be someone new and to reinvent yourself, but in most cases you leave behind a part of yourself that perhaps you loved. This coffee shop (though it is so much more than that) will always have a special place in my heart. I have laughed,cried, studied, played, danced, loved, and lived there for two years now. It had instilled in me a passion for coffee and community that I will take with me as I move on with my life. I am grateful, to say the least. This post is uninteresting, I know, for I believe that no one can truly understand the magic of my workplace unless you have been there. It is like an adopted family who are all dedicated to the same cause and work and play together with a selfless love for each other that spills out onto anyone who comes in contact with them. It is magic. I could go on but I am rambling already. If you would like, tell me a story about a place where you found a home away from home. I would love to hear it, and thank you for listening. :)