Entitled to Nothing

I have been watching a lot of my favorite show lately, "How I Met Your Mother." For those not familiar with the show, it follows a man through his journey to become who he needed to be before he could meet his wife. The story is presented as a narrative told from the future, with the recipients of the tale being his two future children. It's absolutely adorable. Anyway, I was sitting in my favorite coffee shop and had a moment of clarity. I've been growing discontent (and maybe a bit resentful) recently waiting for the next step of my life, the start of my own family. I think this discontentment stems from feeding myself the message of this show and innumerable love stories like it: flounder along in life learning lessons from mistakes and once you reach a moment of personal growth, the universe will bestow upon you the perfect partner you so richly deserve for all your trouble. Another complicating factor of this erroneous perception is my mistaken view of God. I've been re-reading the old testament and it has reminded me that my God is not all warm and fuzzy, a teddy bear deity. He does not exist only to pull the cosmic strings and do a rain dance to ensure that all the pieces of my life fall together and equal perfect happiness. He wants me to be holy, He desires my obedience. I haven't held up my end of the bargain. He declares me righteous because of my faith in Jesus but that does not mean he gives me a much-deserved husband; it only means he does NOT give me a much-deserved death. He owes me nothing. I deserve nothing. When I look back at past relationships, I treated my brothers in Christ with such recklessness. I took them for granted, I lead them away from the cross, I mistreated them and acted selfishly. God would be completely just and right to declare me unfit for any one of them given my track record. Just because I've reached a point in my life where God is finally the rock upon which I build my life does not mean the universe owes me my prince charming. If my heavenly Father sees fit to join me with another at any point in my life it is nothing less than an ultimate show of grace. And I would be a fool to treat it with less than humble, dumbfounded gratitude.

Dumb girl

I just want to play music

I just want to make my coffee, intricate like a science project

I want to travel, either past the boundaries of my building or past the boundaries of my continent

I want to immerse myself in art and nature, where places are green and blue and brown

I want to dance and ride my bike fast

I want to praise and worship, and grow in mustard seed faith

I want to stay busy, so I've barely time to think that these would be made infinitely better when shared with you.