Tuesday, December 27, 2011
You have grown old before your time because the weight of the world rests heavy on your heart, but you have never lost the childlike way you look at the world.
You hold loosely to the things you have, you count it all as an undeserved gift. You give freely, the only natural response to being so blessed, you say.
Music comes from your fingertips, your mouth, and your soul; we both dance to the melody.
You hope all things, believe all things, love all things, and every day I thank God that one of those things is me.
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
Today, I wanted to run from my responsibilities, to be reckless, careless, shiftless... to fulfill my desires despite the inevitable consequences. Impulsive, petulant, naive, and hopeful, I felt I was a young soul trapped in an old body.
I think most people carry several different ages in their hearts at all times. Children act like adults, adults act like children, and eventually the lines begin to blur.
Saturday, December 17, 2011
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
I'm learning to serve.
I'm learning patience.
I'm learning my capacity to do what needs to be done.
I'm learning just what I'm made of.
I've had an up-and-down week. On the downside, my first week on the job was rough. Like... REALLY rough. To top it all off, I've caught myself the flu despite getting the flu shot! Bugger.
On the up-side, I just got the new Bon Iver album on vinyl, it's everything I hoped it would be and more. Except for one track that sounds like a 90s pop abomination. But I'll let it slide this time. If you haven't heard this album yet, go listen to it right now! It will change your life!
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
She looked at me with unseeing eyes, a trembling hand, and a drawer of stolen trinkets;
"You are lovely, it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks and it doesn't matter what you think.
If you don't like where you are, if you aren't happy, then get out. You're too young to be unhappy. But if you have found something that you love, or someone you love, you never let that go."
Yes, she may not know who the president is... but she speaks more truth than I have heard in a long time.
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Now think about all the things you tell yourself every day.
"Why aren't your eyes bigger?"
"Why did you just say something so stupid?"
"You should probably work out more".
Would you be friends with you?
Today, I'm going to try to be a better friend.
Monday, October 24, 2011
Years of being ok with my little imperfections
All forgotten in one afternoon of jean shopping.
All I can think to soothe my fragile, shivering ego is a lovely Regina Spektor lyric:
"I've got a perfect body, but sometimes I forget. I've got a perfect body, 'cause my eye lashes catch my sweat"
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
For example, before I got a nursing job, I would tell people I was a nurse because I had the license and the title. The next question was inevitably, "Oh, where at?" The label of "nurse" assumed that I was, somewhere, somehow, actively being a nurse.
I believe that to me, the title of "Christian" should be the same way, a label that assumes action. That by carrying the title, you are somewhere, somehow, actively being a Christian. Whether you are in the unreached parts of the world telling the good news or simply spending your time actively and intentionally loving others around you, you are earning that label.
So when we say that we are Christians, let us live in such a way that their next question will logically be, "Oh, where at?"
Does that make any sense?
Sunday, October 16, 2011
Find me that love that's for who I am now, not the person that I was
Who would want to obsess over me?
I will admit, I've been broken before and the glue is wearing thin
I will admit it's getting harder harder to let anybody in
But there's more to me than meets the eye
Someone might see, if they just try
Who would want to obsess over me?
Maybe my own love can set me free.
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
The colors and strokes haphazardly strewn about the canvas
Guided by my impulses, guided by the hands of those around me
I open my eyes;
Before them, a reckless, violent piece of art I don't recognize
My signature, scrawled in red
In the bottom, right-hand corner.
Monday, October 10, 2011
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
I was the most optimistic, open, loving, happy, care-free child ever.
Now, I find myself incredibly pessimistic, bitter, jaded, hopeless, and unhappy.
I don't know that I even believe in the things I once held in the highest priority.
I don't know that I believe in love.
I'm not perfect, but I am at peace
I'm at peace with my faults, I'm at peace with my scars and callouses
For the very reason that they are part of who I am
And despite the blow done to me at your hand
I like very much who I am.
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
1. Denial- "I'm fine, I'm better off anyway." "This is only a short break, we're gonna get back together."
2. Anger- "I hate that %&F&^$!! Eat $#!# and die!!!"
3. Bargaining- "Maybe if I lose some weight, act sweeter, date someone else and make him jealous... we'll get back together."
4. Depression- "I miss him so much! Why doesn't want to be with me??"
5. Acceptance- "It's for the best, I need to find someone that treats me how I deserve to be treated."
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Monday, September 19, 2011
Sunday, September 11, 2011
Skipping rocks. Mixing ice cream and warm brownies. Old book smells. Putting my hands in bowls of flour. Letting ladybugs use my fingertips as launching pads. Climbing trees. Watching squirrels eat. Watching tv wrapped in a warm blanket. Biking really fast through the woods. Skeleton keys. Making people laugh. Trying new things. Finishing a book. Painting my nails. Playing music or listening to a really good song. Babies laughing. Sunglasses. Sunsets, sunrises, puffy clouds. Standing on my head and pretending the ceiling is the floor. Coffee smells. Polishing silver. Antique shops. Bubble tea. Hearing people talk about things they are passionate about. Complimenting people. Old watches. Books with notes written in them. Hearts. Frozen grapes. Cold pizza. Pancakes with peanut butter. Holding hands. When it's raining even though the sun is out. Storms. Making faces. New pennies. Wearing other peoples' watches.
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
I was fine before you, but now... I can't go back to those days
The days when I was ignorant of your existence, your smile, your heart....
Yes, I expected too much of you
Yes, you were selfish
But all I want to know
is that you aren't ok without me, too.
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Saturday, August 27, 2011
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
But everything is also illuminated by the light of the present as well
The present light can even illuminate details in the past we may have missed
or purposefully overlooked,
overlooked for the sake of the future
Saturday, August 20, 2011
My forced, desperate attempts to cling to the strings and precious fibers of my happy past are unraveling them faster
I obstinately try to shove my new life into the shrunken, beloved garment of the past, which both causes me pain and is rending my worn memories at the seams.
Holding so tightly to the smoke of an extinguished flame that my nails make my palms bleed.
It's time to let go.
Saturday, August 13, 2011
(which is the only thing I can do while walking.)
And felt safe and confident on the edge of a cliff
Then I realized that two feet
was all that separated me from death (or at least many broken bones)
How close we all are to the end
A few steps to the right or left
A quick turn of the car wheel to the same
And our futures will vanish without so much as a whispered protest
Yet my actions stink of invincibility
My voice betrays my confidence (as if I will never have a last word)
Perhaps it's best, if I knew the danger surrounding my every moment,
I would never be on this cliff.
I would have missed this view.
And I would have never so foolishly given my heart to you,
the most dangerous thing in my life.
Sunday, July 24, 2011
I am absolutely addicted.
With the workout my brain gets 99% of the day, it is so, so, SO nice to watch something that takes
Monday, July 18, 2011
Alberto: The father of the family, works for the government doing nature conservation work. One of the most knowledgeable people I have ever met. Can talk to you for hours about geography, literature, music, history, politics, nature, or architecture. He is an amazing father, and calls his daughter "cookie". Funny, gracious, active, vivacious, generous, and a darn good cook to boot.
Concha: The mother of the family. Also works in Madrid. A charming, lovely, patient woman who loves to laugh, dance, and talk. Thoughtful, sweet and loving, is always looking to help or make you feel more comfortable. She is an amazing example of a wife and mother and has made me feel so at home.
Celia: My host sister, she has been so patient is showing me the ropes of life in Spain. With a quick wit and incredible sense of humor, she always keeps me laughing. She takes after her father in both humor and intelligence, and also can give you detailed information about a number of subjects. She studies architecture, and so has a special eye for the incredible buildings that adorn Spain. Thoughtful and caring like her mother, she has also made me feel like one of the family. After only a few weeks, I already feel like we are sisters.
Guillermo: I know Guillermo the least since he was only here for two days of my stay but from what the family has told me, he is a typical 17 year old boy. Active and fanatical about futbol, loves to play video games, hang out with friends, and eat.
Sunday, July 17, 2011
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Friday, July 8, 2011
7am- wake up, shower and breakfast
8:15 walk to the school for English camp
9-4:30 Camp hours
4:30: 6 ice cream with camp group or laying by the pool with family
6-8: merienda and siesta (snack and nap)
8-10: run and shower
10-11: study or talk with family
12-1:30am: skype with devin
1:30am BED!!! then repeat all over again.
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Monday, July 4, 2011
Sunday, July 3, 2011
Saturday, July 2, 2011
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Monday, June 27, 2011
I wish I was a little taller
I wish things didn't have to change
I wish I was more talented
I wish my dad could be home for my birthday, and for Christmas
But I did get one wish that I've wished for every day for as long as I can remember....
I wished for you, dear.
And I feel like the most blessed girl in the world.
Saturday, June 25, 2011
1. I sing. constantly. I hum, whistle, or sing when I am bored, thinking, sad, nervous, happy, busy, and I suspect even sleeping. This can be very frustrating to others, especially when I have a certain song stuck in my head. But see, the thing is, when I sing a song I can hear the song in my head so I don't realize I am singing. I'm just listening to music.
2. I love the smell of my own hair. When I was little I used to ball my hair in my hand and suck my thumb as a comfort thing.
3. When I meet someone, I have to say their name immediately after they tell me or I will forget forever.
4. I compulsively lie to strangers, most times to make myself seem more interesting or to make the conversation flow better
5. My favorite feeling in the world is my hands in flour. But I love touching most soft things.
6.When I walk on sidewalks, I take shorter or longer steps to avoid stepping on cracks.
7. I get really grouchy if I go too long without listening to music, or if I go for too long without a hug.
8. I love to combine words or shorten words. For example, totally= totes, chocolate+ latte= chatte, etc. Yes, I am aware of how juvenile and obnoxious it is.
9. No matter where I am, I feel at home if there is a cat around.
10. When I eat colored candies like M&Ms, I arrange them in rainbow order and eat them until there are equal amounts of each color, then finish them in rainbow order.
- I have big teeth
- I have a small head
- I have a big butt
- I have weird looking feet
- I am shaped like a boy
These are all things that are part of my self image that would not have been there if someone had not told me. Do you really want that responsibility? If you can't say anything nice then don't say anything at all.
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Monday, June 13, 2011
Sunday, June 12, 2011
I have a stack of 4 or 5 books that I hope to finish by the end of the trip, and about a million questions. I'll be happy if even one of them is answered at the end.
I have an atlas, a suitcase, a pillow, and my guitar but the one thing I don't have is a plan. I'm just going to go and see where it takes me. Adventure, friends!!! What would life be without it?
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Monday, June 6, 2011
Friday, June 3, 2011
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
And as the last ripple erupted, wavered, and then died,
I was sure I had seen the last of you
My venomous love.
My robe in tatters, pieces scattered but now I am a Queen
This desert is my palace, my dry, sacred haven
Far from you, free from you
Aeons later, in my wanderings, I see you in the distance
Smoking against the cloudless sky, steam rising
But what's this?
My venomous love.
You are an oasis, and I've never been so glad to see you.
Friday, May 27, 2011
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Monday, May 23, 2011
Friday, May 20, 2011
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Monday, May 16, 2011
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Saturday, May 14, 2011
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Monday, May 9, 2011
So I was thinking about the standards of beauty. I made a list in my head: Perfectly shaved legs/armpits, breath that smells of peppermint, red lips, smokey eyes, painted finger/toenails, tanned skin, perfectly groomed eyebrows, multi-colored, highlighted hair. What do these things have in common? Well, all of them are in some way part of the standard of beauty. Oh, and none of them occur naturally, or at least not in the way we are accustomed to them. They are a parody, a cartoon version of natural beauty. It's like a banana versus banana flavored taffy. Now please don't misunderstand me... I'm not a bra-burning feminist and I currently have shaved legs and painted nails myself... but I think these next few weeks I am going to try embracing my natural beauty and I wish more women (and men, please) would do the same. Let us love ourselves! Heck, I may even leave the house without make-up. Yikes!
Thursday, May 5, 2011
*note: this is not an exact science. I still plan on wearing my plaid shirts. Heck, I paid for 'em and by golly... I'm gonna wear 'em.
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
- Take guitar lessons
- Take voice lessons
- buy a road bike
- Work my way through the long list of books I want to read
- Brush up on my Spanish
- Get a tattoo
- Take some time for self-discovery
- Beef up my record collection
- Practice my obscure hobbies, like clothes altering, soap carving, and etch-a-sketching
- Go backpacking
I think those are pretty realistic for a whole year, there's no reason I can't at least knock out most of those. I'm excited.
Monday, May 2, 2011
I know this may make no sense to you, but I have no other way to describe what I am feeling.
Sunday, May 1, 2011
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Will miss: waking up early and seeing the sun rise as I walk to class, laying out on the lawn and studying, people watching between classes, all-nighter cram sessions with friends, having something to dress outrageously for, not being held accountable for most of my actions, having summer break, having Thursday be a socially acceptable day to go to the dancey bars.
Won't miss: Waking up early to drag my butt to class, walking in the snow and rain, waiting on buses, sitting for hours in a classroom, obscene amounts of schoolwork, stress of homework and exams, not having time for friends, feeling like a child most of the time.
So all-in-all, I am ready for this transition. All I have to do is survive finals week. Eye of the tiger!!!!
Monday, April 25, 2011
So rather than write the aforementioned rant, I will simply say, friends, rejoice in this day. Let's put aside our differences and brokenness and remember the events that transpired to give us the grace and freedom we enjoy so undeservedly. Happy Easter <3
P.S. I know this is a day late, I wrote it in church and never got access to a computer. Oopsy :)
Saturday, April 23, 2011
- Fried Chicken
- the smell of Folger's coffee
- Brown carpets
- The movie, "It's a Wonderful Life"
- Japanese food
What is home to you?
Thursday, April 21, 2011
I watch my fingers as they reach for that fateful piece. That wrong piece. That vital.last.piece.
Inwardly I scream at myself not to touch it, but I know I will, I always do.
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Do you ever get the impulse to jump in front of a car or throw yourself off of a tall building? And please don't misunderstand me, I am not morbid or suicidal, and I don't wallow in the macabre. I would often experience those impulses while going for a walk along highways or riding my bike across a bridge, and would be deeply disturbed by them. "Am I suicidal? Do I want to die?" But then I realized I did not desire death, I simply wanted to experience feeling truly alive. So much of my life is spent in a numb, almost dream-like state that the surge of adrenaline accompanying such a catastrophe was exactly what I needed. Also, I just want to know what it's like to be struck by a car. Call me curious. Do you feel that way, desperate for something, anything to make you feel....really feel alive?
On a lighter note, I am treating myself to a new pair of shoes. I have it narrowed down to two. Help me pick?
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Monday, April 18, 2011
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Saturday, April 16, 2011
|Please... let's not stand on formality.|
7:30 am- awoke and went downstairs to the kitchen to make coffee and nom on homemade banana bread.
8:30-9:30 yoga by the bay window overlooking the lake. The sunrise was just beautiful.
9:30-10:30 Sat on the dock by the lake with a blanket, cup of coffee, and my journal and had the most wonderful alone time with God. Listened to Bon Iver and watched the waves twist and break in the wind. I am truly blessed today, I pray for many more mornings like these.
10:30-12pm Everyone else woke up and we made cinnamon rolls and laughed and talked. What a perfect Saturday!
Tell me about your idea of the perfect Saturday, I'd love to hear it.
Thursday, April 14, 2011
1. Put your hands in the air.
2. Wave them like you just don't care.
Got it? Good. I'll see you on the dance floor in five.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Also, I was introduced to a new band today. They are called Freelance Whales. You should listen to them...
Also also, I am trying to decide whether to grow my hair long again or cut it shorter.
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Now this doesn't mean I will give up the child-like parts of myself that I love. I will still climb trees, giggle at the word "duty", dip my cookies in milk, and gawk at sunsets like I've never seen one before. But when it comes to my professional life, I will grab life by the horns and (pardon the expression) make it my bitch.
Boys and girls, it's a new day.
Monday, April 11, 2011
Saturday, April 9, 2011
It meant the world to me.
Can you relate?
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
I am not cut out for adulthood. How do I know, you ask? Because during an important group meeting today I got lost in thought, staring out the window. Thinking about how wonderful it would be to be a squirrel. To climb trees all day, all the while waving and gesticulating emphatically with my fantastic tail. The only things on my To Do list would be:
- gather nuts
- not get run over
- have sex
So tomorrow at 11:11, I know Exactly what I am going to wish for. So if you see a squirrel tomorrow waving its tail extra emphatically... It's me.
Ok so this is most definitely not a fashion blog, but I wanted to talk about a few trends I have noticed and love.
1. Headgear lust- bowler hats. I love them. I bought one but my head is too small to really pull it off so I will keep searching for one that fits a little better
2. shown to above right, Mary Jane wedges. Where has this shoe been all my life?? It can be dressed up or down, worn with jeans, leggings or dresses. And also wicked comfortable.
3. Hair- A recent trend I've noticed is long dark hair with blonde ends, like a short punk blonde style that grew out forever, as seen above left. I really like the look, but unfortunately ever since I chopped my locks, this one won't be an option for me for quite a while yet.
My new favorite fashion accessories for the upcoming season are: sheer white polka dotted tights, just got a pair at target and they are simply amazing. Wear them under shorts or with a minidress. Combat boots, this seasons badass alternative to the masculine gladiator sandles. Mismatched earrings, my favorite pair is a skeleton key on one ear and a lock on the other. Two-fingered rings, I got the perfect one a few months ago that I wear on my ring/middle fingers and it has the word LOVE encrusted with cubic zirconia. It's like a girly version of brass knuckles. What are some of your favorite fashion items for this spring?
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
I laced the numb, dead fingers through those on my other, still living, hand
and for that moment, I felt what you would feel if you held my small, often cold hand
while going for a walk
snuggling on the couch
perhaps in a movie theater
in the car... no wait!! I need it to maintain 10 and 2 positioning....
But nevertheless, I decided it felt nice.
I would highly recommend it.
Was it Mark Twain that said, "I never let school interfere with my education"? Or did I just make that up... Well, if dear Mark did say that, he sure had it right. I love to learn, I think of myself as a life-long learner... but I hate school. Honestly, I feel like school is one of the biggest obstacles standing in the way of me and real learning. Sure, I am collecting a mass of facts and knowledge and receiving validation in the form of grades, but real learning is not happening as my butt remains glued to the desk chair.
Also desks and adulthood don't go together, in my opinion; perhaps that's why I still feel like a child most of the time.
To learn, I need to read books written by thinkers and dreamers, I need to climb mountains and I need to interact with people from other cultures. I need to be given plenty of room to get lost, and to fail. I can't learn inside of a box. I can be trained, but I can't learn. I know that what my schoolbooks and professors have to teach me may help me in my chosen profession, but work is such a small part of life. (to me, anyway... I know a multitude of people who would disagree)
This summer I am planning a two week roadtrip to do some searching for the Heart of God and hopefully stumble upon my own in the process. I anticipate learning more in those two weeks than all four years of college.
Monday, April 4, 2011
Wanting something, really wanting something, is scary. When you really want something, the desire for that thing feels almost like possessing it. And when you are denied that thing, it feels very much like losing it.
I find myself wanting something very badly.
But those two things are directly oppositional.
Either way I win, and either way I lose. But I trust the Lord and I trust His plan for my life. I know he has my best in mind, and He has big plans for me in the scope of His kingdom. I trust that, I really do.
I just wish He would let me in on the plan because not knowing is. just. awful.
Sunday, April 3, 2011
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Monday, March 28, 2011
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
I wish that they had needed me on any other day;
One when I wasn't feeling so
incompetent.... but I feel that way today.
I had to dig deep to find what they needed from me,
like searching for a gold ring you dropped in a lake.
But I found it, bright and shimmering, in a way I never thought possible.
And just in the nick of time, too.
Sunday, January 9, 2011
The only thing I feel now is my feet on the pavement.
I'll shake off the dust of this old town
and then the next
and then the next
and then the next.
I'll walk until until this pavement turns to grass.
Until the grass turns to sand.
Until the sand turns to water.
Until the water turns to nothing.
I'll bury my toes where angels tread,
and maybe then I'll be free of you.