What am I worth?

What am I worth? What is the value of a human life? Does the individual life have value simply because it IS? How much value is placed on a beating heart, the snapping of synapses? I am going to make some statements and please decided before reading further if you: 1.disagree completely 2.moderately disagree 3.have no leaning 4.moderately agree 5.agree entirely
A.Human life has intrinsic (internal) value and is sacred
B.There is nothing in life more important than the lives of people
C.All human lives have equal value
D.God loves all people equally

These are all suppositions I feel have been increasingly perpetuated in modern society. But I've been struggling within myself about if they are beneficial, or even accurate.

Let's first look at the idea that human life has intrinsic value. There are several situations in which this seems to be factual. For example, a person who murders a pregnant woman is charged for both the murder of her, and of her unborn child. This bestows value to something that has no effect, positive or negative, on society. Its only impact is purely potential (Aside from economy-boosting money spent on prenatal health care). But there are other situations where the value of a life is superseded by situations surrounding it. Abortion, euthanasia, and infanticide (for the purpose of population control), all negate the value of life by pitting it against the scale of quality. The negative implications of the life can outweigh its potential benefits, and in each of those situations that decision is made externally. That means the value is not internally born, it is flexible. It is externally decided. Children and women were prioritized in emergencies, because their external potential was greater. Women could bear more children. Children had more life ahead of them. The lives of the men were devalued, there was nothing inside them that changed... only the circumstances. If a beloved philanthropist with a large adoring family passes away, it is a great loss. If a lonely hermit with no social contact and no family passes away, is it a loss as well? When things of value are destroyed it is a loss. Did the life of the hermit have value? It may be entirely possible that our value is purely externally derived by our circumstances and even more by the people around us. Those who love us, need us, and surround us may very well bestow on us our value. What is a diamond worth with no one to admire it?

Let's now look at the idea that nothing is more important than human life. In the movie 300, the small but proud Spartan army knowingly charged to their graves. They had no illusion that the battle would end in their favor. In the latest Hunger Games movie, a scene occurred where a small band of rebels charged a dam providing power to the Capitol. The rebels in the front of the onslaught knew that the guards would open fire surely killing some, but the sheer numbers would eventually overpower and allow the last of the group to place explosives in the dam, destroying it. These scenes played for an audience of modern patrons who all nodded, with hearts aflame, admiring the bravery of the protagonists in the scene. No one sat with pursed lips, scowling, "What a waste... surely there must have been another way to spare the people!" It was generally agreed upon with out approval that there are things more important than individuals. Pride. Honor. Freedom. The good of the majority. It's been chanted throughout history, so why refute what has been a building block of our "modern" society?

On another note, I'm not implying that societal trends and behavior indicates absolute truth. If that were so then we would have to suppose that the racism in the seventies defined African Americans as having inferior value. I only use social examples because with inscrutable topics such as personal worth, the observational sciences are some of the only data that can be presented without dipping permanently into philosophical reasoning.

Now I want to focus on the push towards egalitarianism. Are all people truly created equal? Picture a post-apocalyptic society. Any illusion of total equality is discarded for a "survival of the fittest" mentality. Those with skills are prioritized, the strongest conquer the weaker for rights to scarce supplies and property. If the weakest were protected, the group as a whole would be weakened as there is simply not enough resources to go around. So why, if it makes sense from an evolutionary standpoint, would egalitarianism be discarded when survival is most important? It seems that equality is a luxury, adopted only in times of plenty and not in fact based in core truth. So as we become more evolved, why push for a concept that is apparently not evolutionarily advantageous?

Now I turn towards things of spirituality. As a follower of Jesus, I turn towards scripture as the source of truth. And I ask myself, was God an egalitarian? He definitely made sure the door to Him was open to all through Jesus. Jesus spent time with the religious leaders, the poor, the rich, and the outcasts of society. He definitely seemed to share a special affection for the downtrodden of society and stated that the rich and "religious" would have an extremely hard time coming to Him but that was not his doing, simply the way it was. The broken realized the need for him more easily, the well-off did not. But in the Old Testament God prioritizes the Israelites, the Chosen people, time after time. He gives victories to His armies, and wipes out entire populations. Populations of people>. The Egyptian army was buried by water as the Jews escaped on dry land. These soldiers were just men following orders, they all had families and lives. They were no more sinful in nature than the Chosen people. Maybe He loved them and valued them, but He also destroyed them. It's a hard truth of scripture. God is a just God, and the price of sin is death. Not all will be saved. Not all are meant to be saved. Some are favored. Before the birth of Christ, obedience is highly valued. After the birth of Christ, faith is highly valued. After the death of Christ, the tables seem to be turned. It makes sense that the value of something is determined by the price paid for it. The price for us suddenly became the blood of the Christ. Invaluable. For those under the grace of the cross, a value is received that is completely separate from all external factors. It is the great equalizer. All the other situations that shake other definitions fall away in the weight of the worth given to the Children of God. Scripture says that He adopts them into His royal family. From the point on that worth is bestowed there is no need for any additions. Wealth, beauty, talent, love, status, or even life have any impact on our worth in God's eyes. Our value is set, and it is SO high. And since I choose God as the bestower of my value, I feel freed to simply BE. In Him, I can simply BE.

I've been processing worth and value for weeks, trying my very best to take God out of the equation and look at it objectively but I find time and time again I simply cannot. It's the only one that makes sense to me, the only one that doesn't leave me an insecure, self-doubting, self-depricating mess. So even if it's wrong and even if no one agrees with me, I like the sense of security and safety in the full knowledge of the value I have. Not because I'm good, special, smart, or anything else I did or could do... but simply because He came to me and He told me so. And thanks to Him, I believe it.

My Head is Spaghetti

I haven't posted in some time... I usually only write when I've got a thought I've worked through and come to some resolution, and I was in no way prepared for the vichyssoise of feelings, emotions, urges, and ideas that my recently ended journey would submerge me in. I am still very much in a processing place but I really need to let some air from my brain-tires, as I fear they will burst from all the spinning, spinning, spinning.
My trip leader said it best, and it's the hardest part to describe to people who inquire; "You are not here to make a difference, you are here to learn and then take your new knowledge back home where you understand the culture and can truly make a difference" (paraphrased). I may have helped a few people but what I, we, did for them is infinitesimal compared to what they did for me. And that goes for the people in my group as well. I found both my group and the Guatemalans so inspiring. My Canadian, Australian, and New Zealand cohorts showed me how little I truly know or care about my surroundings, both locally and globally. This will change. It must.

I was primarily inspired by how well they were able to love the world, and see it as whole instead of an us/them mentality. They intentionally and actively try to embrace and positively influence all kinds of people while I feel I seem to do the opposite. I surround myself with people similar to myself and never leave this safe haven of like-mindedness. As a believer, I am specifically called to go out and feed the sheep and to love others as I love myself. So why do I not? Why do I waste time in silly, selfish endeavors instead of answering the Call of the one who drank with the lowest in society and embraced the ones the church scorned? I call myself a Christian because I go to Bible study, church, I spend time in the word, and talk about God with the other people in His fan club... but where is the love? I spend time learning the ins and outs of the minutia of my faith but Corinthians 13:3 warns against going through loveless motions to look the part. I'm so worried about how I appear to the world, I distract myself from loving it.

So what does this mean for my life now? To sum it up as best I can, responsibility.
Now that I have seen how poorly the farmers in these growing nations are paid and treated so that I can have cheap imported produce, I will change my spending habits. I've seen what these mass-imported and mass-produced products do to people. Poorly treated workers, on top of produce and animals filled with harmful chemicals and antibiotics to keep production up and cost down. It disgusted me both on a heart and head level, and I retched at the thought of all the harm I was doing to both myself and people around me by not shopping/eating more responsibly. (I recommend documentaries like "food.inc", "Walmart: the high cost of low prices", and "Gold Fever") My part is small, but I can vote with my dollar. And my vote goes to ethically sourced produce and ethically treated livestock despite higher cost. Right now, the only way to ensure that is to buy locally, where I can actually get face-time with the farmers. Buying locally also provides a huge boost to the Indy economy by keeping the money here in the city where we need it. Each dollar spent locally returns three times more money than that spent at a chain, quoted American Independent Business Alliance. And it will give small business a chance to flourish, giving our wonderful city some character and individuality. If enough people make this lifestyle change, larger companies will fall in line and begin ethical sourcing to regain our lost business. Clothes, too, I've felt convicted about. My relentless cycle of consumerism leaves me with a full-to-bursting closet filled with tags that cry the names of abused cheap laborers: Honduras, Bangladesh, Guatemala, and countless more.
On the interpersonal side, I will essentially open myself up for God to show me populations that need loving. This may look different than feeding the poor or clothing the needy... Need for the father reaches from the inner city to Carmel. I hope to do this through my passions for coffee, but I don't know how exactly yet. But I know the Lord didn't place a love and talent for coffee in my heart for nothing. The unique thing about coffee is it's a way to love both locally and globally. I can use it to connect with people in my city as well as those in growing nations and bless both. How? I don't yet know... but I trust that as long as I make myself a willing vessel, a way will be made and I'll keep fighting and learning until I find it.
I have also had my eyes opened to the pain of the world around to me, and I've been blind to it. I never watched or read the news, but now I see that knowledge is power. How can I help if I don't know? It is part of the calling to be burdened for the pain of the world. My worries have been so fleshly: my fitness, my appearance, my dating life, my job, etc. I pray for a husband and fulfillment at work when I should be praying for those affected in gaza and Israel. I am counting carbs when I should be fasting, interceding for those displaced by civil war. God, forgive my blindness and my calloused, selfish heart.

I don't know what to do with all these feelings stirred up but I feel like the Lord has grown me tremendously through my experiences. He has softened my heart, grown my confidence, and opened up my eyes to the impotent nature of my lackluster faith. I'm excited to see where it all goes!

Santa Anita update

Our last few days with CCDA were lovely, and they sent us away with an extremely touching farewell dinner. We spent the afternoon on a touristy hotspot on the dock, followed by a boat and then bus ride to Santa Anita de la union, a small but proud coffee and banana farming community. They are wonderful people, and have welcomed us into their homes and fields. Many of the coffee farmers here are ex guerrillas, and regale us with stories of the civil war. Our host is an ex guerrilla fighter who told us he spent six months in the mountains to escape death and was taken in by a group of people who would become revolutionaries. He told us about three times he was nearly killed in battle, and now he farms a plot of coffee plantation in the daytime and reads his Bible in the evenings. "I am quiet and serious sometimes," he tells us, "but I have a very big heart". 

Our second host, a warm woman named doña Maria, cooks and cares for us. She is the wife of a beekeeper and has no children. There is no shortage of honey or laughter in her home. Her two dogs and pet parrot, Paco, are a constant source of entertainment. She tells us of brothers and mother in Guatemala City, and with a touch of pain she told the story of her other brother who was active in the resistance and was disappeared by the government. She never found out what happened to him, but suspects he was tortured to find the location of her and her family. She is only alive because he did not actually know where they were at the time. This community, this country, has seen so much pain but still they press on. The president of the community cooked us tortillas and told us they we should rejoice in our suffering and failings because they are opportunities to learn and grow. I am humbled by them. 

We have been put to work in the community alongside the men. We've helped in construction in the project we funded, a housing for their pulpera. We have helped weed coffee plants and chop firewood, and have one more day left of construction before we bid them farewell and make our way to higher ground to visit the mining communities. The weather here is subtropic, hot and humid every day and rainy and cold every evening. The insects are thick and during my running tally of bites on my body I counted 62. I'm sure I'll add to the number tomorrow. 

The lack of plumbing has been hard and I am craving a hot shower but yesterday I bathed under a waterfall after a long hike to and from the fields and I must say... I'll take that over a hot shower any day. But for now, bucket baths are a small price to pay for the privilege of working alongside these incredible people. 

Be well, friends

Update 6-17-14

We've just left the charming city of San Lucas Toliman, where an incredible coop called CCDA is located. It's stands for cooperativo campesinos del altiplanos (farmers coop of the highlands). They welcomed us with open arms and worked alongside us as we did work in carpentry, farming, and creating all natural compost and pesticides for their crops. It was a wonderful time of learning, growing, and laughing. We enjoyed evenings discussing food responsibility and watched a documentary called King Korn. I definitely want to shop and eat more responsibly as I can see the impact of my choices in the States directly on the people I'm working with here. I've been conscious about what I put in my body, but now I am moving past "what" and into the realm of "from where". 

I've begun to feel extremely convicted about my consumerist ways and have been thinking about all the things I want to change when I go home. I can't change my whole country but I can change my own habits. 

My health and heart are both good, I've been reading "glittering vices" in early morning spare time when the roosters give their 6am wake up call. It's been following the theme of the trip so closely it can't be mere coincidence. I read about vain glory and felt the need to be still and listen rather than talk, both to God and my group members. It spurred many a good conversation. I read about sloth and realized the pull in my heart to respond to the call of love, and to action. I am now reading about avarice and feel the weight of my need to consume, and to accumulate. I trust in my money and possessions rather than God, and find myself instead possessed by them. I have built myself an ikea cage, a fortress that halts the hand of giving. His mighty hand has been gentle, showing me the corners of my heart that still need His attentive touch. Please pray for me, that I open them and let his Work be done in me. We're leaving this afternoon for Santa Anita where we'll be constructing a pulping machine for a coffee farm there. I'm excited! Be well, friends.

Update, post trek

Today is the last day of our hike. After a full day yesterday, everyone is ready for a wash and a rest. Our mode of bathing is a Guatemalan sauna called a temezcal. It's a small encasement about 4x6 ft with a coal fire in one corner to heat it. A pail of very hot and very cold water sit on a plank, where you sit in the middle with an empty pail and mix the two to desired temperature. We use a small bowl to pour this water over top of us to wash and rinse, usually two people at a time. It definitely encourages bonding and discourages modesty. 

 We woke up at 3am to begin our hike today, extra early to catch the sunrise from a lookout point not far from our homestay. We sat bundled up with hot coffee and oatmeal as the slow sunrise lit up the seven volcano peaks silhouetted in the distance. I've never seen a skyline like this, and the soft purples, pinks and grays created a scene no camera can fully capture. I chose a few select songs to soundtrack the moment and I think I found a few that were just about perfect. Our first settling, with mostly dark except for a soft blue directly East, was accented by "the earth is not a cold dead place" by Explosions in the Sky. The soft early dawn as the peaks began to take shape was enjoyed with "the Universe" by Gregory Alan Isakov. "Pathos pathos" by Kishi Bashi  seemed to coax the first bright flashes of sun to emerge, lighting up the clouds, lake water, and cities scattered below. Stunning. We have a few hours yet of our hike to the lake, where we'll begin our next project. We're smelly, tired, and sore from the voyage but spirits are high. As hard as it's been, it's been broken up by breathtaking views, dips in waterfalls, and picnics under delicious shade trees. I could live like this forever... But I'm excited for the work to begin again. 

The group is still getting along well. Our last hosts had a guitar, so I recruited a friend to play a few tunes. He played guitar and sang, and I sang harmonies to various folk tunes for the group. Luckily our taste in music is nearly identical, and knew all the same songs. It definitely made me feel much more at home, as I've sorely missed making music. 

I'm falling in love with the people here, they are so kind and inviting. The Mayan family I helped build a stove for thanked me with a traditional garb with stitched patterns so intricate it takes over a month to complete. I had trouble accepting it, and it was hard to express my gratitude with my broken Spanish. They taught me how to say thank you in quiche ('kee-chay), the Mayan language, but even that seemed insufficient. It's hard to believe our time is nearly half over. It seems I've been here for ages, and at the same time I feel like I just got here. 

Please pray for my speech and actions, that I portray Christ well. Be well, friends

Update, mid trek

The trip has taken a turn for the remote. We've traded hostels for home stays with the locals of the altiplanos, and it's a different world. Dirt roads, livestock everywhere, outhouses and high cresting hills painted by farmland. This is more what I pictured when I imagined the trip, I almost wish we hadn't been spoiled by the modest but modern cities we've been enjoying. Showers, indoor plumbing and electricity are a thing of the past. As I speak, we're all huddled on the concrete floor with our sleeping bags pressed together as we play cards by the light of our headlamps. Our hosts are incredibly kind although facial expressions are the only form of communication since they speak an ancient Mayan language none of us know. We hiked the majority of the morning and worked on stove construction until sundown. The trek took us to a height of about 10,500 ft and was by far the most physically challenging thing I've done in my life. Two more like it when we migrate to the lake to stay at the next village and the next project. 

As for the internal goings ons... I think I'm getting increasingly introverted as alone time is rare. Privacy is nonexistent and I'm thankful the majority of the group is made up of women. 

Hiking today, I was struck by the beauty and the bigness of my surroundings. My God is so big and otherworldly, I feel so lead to this trip as He reminds me every day of his qualities revealed in His creation. I've also been reminded of my own fragility as I've been sick and weak, and finally conquered by a tortuous hike in daunting altitudes. I am weak in mind, body, and spirit and the delicious dependence I feel is much needed. I make God so small... But looking at the beauty of the mountains, the harshness of the volcanos, the resilience of the Guatemalan people, I see Him all around. It is hard trying to process through these feelings about my relationship with Christ alone, as there's not really anyone to talk to about it and I tend to be an external processor. But alas, I suppose I'll have to save it for later. 

Guatemala update 6-6-14

Finally got some adequate wifi access at an amazing cafe, a 3rd wave gem called Melatte in Xela. I wasn't sure whether to blog activities or emotions of the trip, so I'll break them into sections. 

It's been raining an insane amount here, nearly every day save for a few precious hours of sun. Morale is low as most of our party is sick with various illnesses and sad from lack of sun. But we've found ways to cheer each other up. My room at the hostel has five occupants, it's a cozy windowless sanctuary we've dubbed "The Cave." We built a blanket fort and watched movies during the heaviest rain, hard to believe we're all in our 20s! The past few days have been a mix of work and fun. The days are taken up entirely by language training one-on-one and cultural immersion to prepare us for the remote village on our next stop. Evenings are usually cooking, documentaries about Guatemalan history, or recreation like salsa lessons, drinks, or games inside if it's raining. Yesterday our trip leaders surprised us with an impromptu trip to the altiplanos to see the famous hot springs birthed from volcanic fissures. The scenery was unreal, I'll try to upload a picture. After a nice soak morale was much improved. 

The group is growing closer by the day. Despite being from five different countries, we're like family after only a week together. I feel so comfortable and at home with them, connected in a way I can't even describe. We cook together, clean together, laugh, cry, hug, cuddle, and grow together. We've become brave and are more comfortable conversing and connecting with the locals.

 I think this has been a lonely couple days. I try to post on Facebook so my friends and parents know I'm alive and well, but seeing the posts of everyone else is making me homesick. It's also very different being around people that don't share my beliefs, it's challenging and isolating but also very refreshing. Conversations have been stellar and extremely stimulating. People are so environmentally and socially conscious and it makes me feel so guilty that I've lived so much of my life ignorant of the issues in my and other countries. I must admit I find myself overwhelmed as I discover the amount of social injustice present in my world, even in my own country. I don't know how to process this just yet.

Tomorrow we start our three day journey to the mountain village. Covering about ten miles a day, it will be a challenge because none of us are used to the altitude and most of us are weakened from travelers sickness. But once we get to the village we will begin our first big project, building stoves for the women of a Mayan organization called AMA. They suffer from eye and respiratory problems from cooking over open fires and they live in the smoke every moment indoors. They cook tortillas to sell, a popular occupation. The stoves we're constructing will prevent the lung diseases they suffer from, and they are thrilled for the help and also to share their homes with us. I am so excited to get started with the work.

My prayers for this week are: health to be well enough to work, to have a soft heart that is burdened for the pain of the world, and pray that the comfort of God will be sufficient in days of new surroundings. Thanks friends!!