Russian Roulette With a Flare Gun

Poised.
Ready.
And..... wait.
The Lord has blessed me with a restless heart and a passion for adventure. I know I have never felt more myself than when exploring new places and having new experiences, either in this country or another. Every country I've been to, I rarely got homesick and always wanted just a few more days to wander. Many desires float around in my tiny body. I want to backpack in mountains of Cambodia, I want to ride my bike around the Italian canals, I want to drink strong coffee and strum guitars with the Spaniards and I want to sort through fistfuls of fresh-picked coffee cherries with Rwandan farmers. I take a "bloom where planted" approach to my life here and always hold my world with loose hands, ready to have it taken away (or at least shaken up a bit). I work hard at the tasks put before me because they, too, are for God's glory and are a gift. But in my desperate prayers for direction, I get the same message. "Stay. Pray. Wait. Trust." For what, I don't know. But I'm getting restless and eager for whatever the next step of my life is.

Walden Van

I want to spend a year living out of a van.
Everyone I have expressed this to have all responded similarly: "Why? That's dumb and dangerous".
Maybe I will, maybe I won't, but let me tell you why I want to.
For one thing, I am a bit of a rolling stone. Always have, and always likely will be. I don't like to stay in one place for long and seem to have an addiction to change. Therefore, my home being wherever I feel like it hits me in a deep place. But the most attractive thing about living a minimalist, stripped-down existence is the freedom. A life stripped of distractions, excess, and worrying about dumb stuff like plasma screen TVs and if my decor is outdated or not. I would spend the whole day doing nothing but being in nature and enjoying my Creator and His creations, hunkering down in coffee shops to read, or fellowshipping with brothers and sisters because there is literally nothing else. I need very little to be content and feel the best quality time with God is spent doing the aforementioned activities. At best, it would be a spiritual revolution, a 'Walden 

Pond' kind of year. At worst, it would be a challenging social experiment I can tell the grandkiddies about someday when trying to explain why they should shut off the 3D Mariokart and go outside. I will know a kindred soul when they hear my van dream and say, "can I come?"

The Problem of Pain, The Purpose of Pain

I read months ago C.S Lewis' chronicle of his experiences after the death of his beloved wife, 'The Problem of Pain'. In true Lewis form, he pulled the pins from his heart, placed there by mortality, and named each one. He cut apart and catalogued every iota of his broken heart, giving purpose to the pain. After the hurt and anger of my own loss of love (whether it was storge, philia, or eros, I can't presently tell) subsided, I began to do the same. I dissected the whole business like a surgeon until the pieces began to fit once again together. Not every unsuccessful relationship is a failure, not if it was dedicated to the glory of God. Were mistakes made by each party involved? Of course... but the salvation and grace of one was extended to the other. Two children of God, growing and falling together. I see now the effects. My dear boy, previously self-relient and unfocused, remedial and inflexible in the search for the meat of Him. Now, well connected in the fellowship and now with a full knowledge of the weakness of self and the need for utter dependence on the grace of God. And me...before I was a bitter, self-involved shrew of a woman who sneered at the role of a biblical woman and cynical to the core. Now I find myself changed to one who's heart is scarred but softened, hands that are weary but open, and eyes that search only for the Savior, both in Heaven and in the hearts of the Brothers around me. Yes, I still find myself wistful and longing for the friend that I had and lost, and I am eager for the day I have that friend back. But until then I will pray for both of us, that God would continue the work he started with our clumsy, baby deer relationship. Praise the Lord for His goodness to His servants, and praise Him for the purpose of pain.

We didn't start the fire

How do you build a fire (properly)? You start with a bundle of small twigs, followed by thin, dry sticks. Then, surround the pile with larger branches and finally the logs. Use tinder and a lighter or flint to start the fire going and watch it grow. I was thinking of how this fire-building is like the sin I find myself battling with. I make small, seemingly insignificant decisions throughout my day; let my mind dwell on this fantasy, watch this movie, listen to this song...etc etc. This is the laying down of small twigs. Then, larger decisions. A small compromise in the wrong direction. A risque conversation. A branch, and another. The surrounding is set up for a mistake, a stumble. Logs. Then, sooner or later comes the spark. The small flame to the perfect setting I've created over days, weeks, months. And the flame that devours is too powerful, burns too bright. It burns because I fed it. It burns because I've nurtured it and prepared for it. I never meant to start a forest fire, yet it rages on. And in the destruction, I look down at the matches in my own hand and am powerless to do a thing. Only I (and God) can prevent this chain of events. No more gathering twigs, and no more playing with fire. 

I feel an adventure coming on

My God is a Ninja

I've struggled with my reckless, unfocused heart for as long as I can remember. My struggle for identity and need for validation was the driving force behind most of my college-age decision making. I know many Christians can pin-point the moment their walk burst into life in the same way we all remember where we were on 9/11, but with mine it didn't happen like an explosion; it happened like a whisper. It happened like the turn of a season, each day one degree warmer until I found the snow replaced by thin, new blades of grass under my feet. I can, however, pinpoint the brokenness that started the reaction. The catalyst, if you will. It took a shattering of self to get me to renounce my own self-reliance. This looked momentarily like a renunciation of my faith as I indulged in what I had previously denied myself. Then, the seasons began to turn. My down-turned face felt a nudge under my chin as He lifted my eyes to Himself. "Look at me". I had, until then, occupied my eyes with my own heart, tinkering with it and trying to fix the un-fixable. But now thoroughly disgusted with its condition, I turned my eyes to Him. This forgetfulness of self and adoration of the Creator started the rotation, the spin of the globe that brought the sun back into view. He changed my season, and all the work I had been striving for before was beginning to be accomplished as I rested. I can't describe the relief of dropping my hands, lifting my eyes, and breathing clean air for the first time in years. I pray He keeps me from taking up the plow once again. And now I see my own heart is still unfinished, but farther along than I could have ever hoped... and I never even realized work was being done. Glorious grace... I bring nothing, I have nothing to offer, and can do nothing on my own. Before I would have used a relationship as a substitute for God and His influence, but now my gratitude and need for Him is so great that I know that won't be the case. His plan is perfect, His timing is perfect, and I find myself swept away in the beauty of it all.

Times, they are a'changing

To be honest, I'd forgotten how much I love this blog.
I suppose as I've nurtured close friendships, I have confided in them all the things I could only express here before. My life looks very much the same, only perhaps enhanced and made sharper. A world seen with old eyes but a new pair of glasses. The blessings have continued, I am blessed through my church and friendships and I bless with my work, music, and fellowship. I suppose the biggest change as of late is a new relationship, very much like the one I'd kept tucked quietly in the back of my life's game-plan. But now the play is in action, and the moves that are so unfamiliar seem to flow seamlessly. It looks, however, different than I thought it would, and God delights me by showing me his wisdom in bringing me someone I may not have believed I wanted, but always needed. And it is better. So, so much better. But more on that later...