random thought

Someone asked me today if I would rather be told the honest, possibly hurtful, truth or an insincere lie designed to make me feel better. For example, a new haircut or a poem I wrote. My knee-jerk reply was, "I would rather someone be honest with me. " But after I thought it over, I thought that it doesn't really matter all that much if my haircut is truly awful, the poem I wrote is terrible, or the picture I painted looks like it was done by a drunk monkey. In reality, (my reality, more specifically) all that really matters is why I did what I did and how that makes me feel about myself. I wrote a poem to express feelings, I painted a picture as an outlet for creativity, and I cut my hair because I needed a change. Therefore, it doesn't matter if it's terrible. But if you verbally invalidate what I have done, you then invalidate why I did it as well. I will no longer feel adequately expressed or creative, and I will see myself as having changed for the worse. I would rather have the lie, because it doesn't matter if what I have done is sub par. What matters is how I feel about myself. So unless I am looking to improve through constructive criticism, lie to me so I can walk tall with my head held high, terrible hair cut and all.

Wolf in sheep's clothing, or in this case....a sports bra

Today I got to thinking about idols. The Bible often speaks about idols and idolatry, but refers specifically to actual manifestations of pagan gods. Nowadays the idols we worship take on much more deceptive and sophisticated forms: Money, power, fame, status, greatness, sports etc. But really, in my opinion an idol is anything that tends to take precedence over God in daily life. That is, it occupies our thoughts more often, influences our choices, or is generally what we form our life around. I have discovered an unexpected idol in my life, and that is physical exercise. A seemingly harmless and beneficial habit to adopt, I began getting serious about fitness around sophomore year of college and in the past 4 months or so, have really made it a large part of my life. Most of my free time when I'm at home goes to exercise. It takes up the place of my night time devotionals or my mid-afternoon quiet times. I think I was so eager to take up this new idol because unlike my spiritual health, my physical health was more tangible and real. It made me feel and look good. Nobody commented on how Christ-like my actions were becoming, but people did comment on how fit I was looking. It's also just easier. Growing in Christ often leads me to become convicted, broken, and contrite. It's hard, and often painful. But it is also eternal, and this body that I spend so many hours to perfect will one day return to the earth from whence it came. From dust to dust. So now that I have regained perspective, I think my priorities need to go towards a goal that will outlast this body and this life.

Blurt

Sometimes, people startle me when I am in deep thought and I blurt out personal and intimate details about myself. Like today, I was working in the kitchen and a friend came in and initiated a conversation while I was thinking. I answered his question about whether or not the dishes on the washer tray were clean, and then said, "I think it's funny that I am never offended by hurtful comments unless someone tells me what I have been telling myself all along, like I'm fat or no one will ever love me." Wow. Of course, he had nothing to say in response and I promptly changed the subject. Does anyone else do that? I love when I find someone who has the same bizarre traits as me. This week I meet someone who organizes M&Ms by color/number before eating them, and dresses in fancy clothes when they feel unhappy. I thought I was the only one. I also found out my mom plans out her food by what she wants to taste last, like I do. I'm glad I'm not the only one.

steward

Today the church service was about Jonah. If you aren't familiar with the story, it is about a prophet who receives a calling to Ninevah and promptly goes in the opposite direction. His journey to run from God leads him to a boat, then the sea, then a fish, then to the shore of the place he was meant to be in the first place. I used to be Jonah, having my faith tested and having to choose whether or not to answer my calling. I find my faith being tested once again, but in a different way. Now, I am ready to follow the calling. My shoelaces are tied, my feet are itching to go where the Lord leads me, and my hands hold loosely to the things that tie me to my current location. There is just one thing, one vital thing, missing from the equation, and that is the calling. I have no direction, no leading, my spiritual compass just spins and spins and clouds obscure the northern star. I am lost. I feel like I have a car packed for a long roadtrip, but on my GPS appears just one word: GO. And I am so petrified of taking a step in the wrong direction that I am tempted to take no step at all. Perhaps God is testing my faith by keeping my calling from me, and I simply have to act blindly, trusting that he will guide my steps. Inaction would make me like the servant who buried his master's money out of fear. I need to act wisely, be a good steward of the life I have been given by using what I know of the God I serve to plan my future. Hold my life, my choices, up to the light of His word and pray that His glory shines through. I want what He wants. I just wish that He would let me in on the plan.

strength

Today someone needed me to be strong for them.
I wish that they had needed me on any other day;
One when I wasn't feeling so
weak
afraid
inadequate
incompetent.... but I feel that way today.
I had to dig deep to find what they needed from me,
like searching for a gold ring you dropped in a lake.
But I found it, bright and shimmering, in a way I never thought possible.
And just in the nick of time, too.