Full But Empty

My heart has been so filled with good things. My life is a testament to the principle that the Lord blesses us beyond what we could ever deserve on our best day. He has been sufficient, and will continue to be as I try my very best to make my life pliable to His able hands. My faith is slowly being restored as walking blindly becomes easier to me. My cup overflows everyday, but I still feel a small pocket of emptiness. I feel more and more that there is a longing unfulfilled, a dream deferred if you will; I have never loved fully and with complete abandon, nor have I been loved and known completely. Everyday I thank God for my half-loves, and for the ones that half-love me but someday I would like to open the small corners of my heart to a pair of soft, loving eyes for the first (and hopefully last) time.

Beat the bright out

God meets us in the broken places.

I'm going to share my broken moment with you, in hopes of lifting your spirits.
After returning home from yet another night of feeling overwhelmingly lonely in a room full of people, I walked straight to my bathroom leaving trails of clothing, breadcrumbs in the forest.
I drew the hottest bath I could stand, like the water would strip away this feeling and submerged my face until I could hear my pulse in my ears. I cried out to God, with groaning and heaviness like a tree grown over a cliff, anchored only by a fragile network of roots; Why?
'Why, if I followed you here, do I feel so unfulfilled?'
'How, with all my weaknesses and inadequacies, can I do anything great or even useful for you?'
'If I stumble when you've supplied every need, how will I stand in the storms?'
The depth of my own flesh and humanity hit me, and like Isaiah, I was undone. I trembled before a Holy God, too afraid to lift my eyes and yet brazen enough to question my Creator.

And there in the quietness of the moment as I ached, He met me.

'My plans for you are perfect and fulfilling; if you feel unfulfilled, you haven't yet arrived. In this place, you are being prepared, fine-tuned for the plans I have for you. My people wandered in the desert before reaching the promised land, and so must you wait. Use this desert, this time, wisely and be a good steward of both it and the destination you've yet to reach. Rejoice in your stumbling, your shortcomings, and your failures; my Glory shines all the brighter as my strength is made perfect in your weakness. No effort can ready you for my service, only your willingness. I will do the work. You are a perfect tool in My perfect hands, and all I ask is your trust and obedience. It is not your worth that made Me choose you, but my choosing of you that deems you worthy and nothing can take that worth from you. Rest in me. Abide in me. Seek me first, and all else will be added to you.'

Holy is our God, and gracious that He should reveal anything of Himself to us.

"Animal"

Lyrics to my newest song, written at 4am last night. I think it's mostly about the escapist fantasies of a 20something... but I'll leave it open to interpretation.

V1
Who can catch me now?
What force governs my life, wild as the night?
sharpening my claws on the last thread
of the fabric of my old fight

I would laugh or cry
If I could remember the sounds, my new muscles twitch
and tug to pursue
The passions and prey I only dreamt  of before

chorus
The sun hit my fur like a first kiss
And I cried to the wind through my teeth:
'Take me somewhere with wide open spaces
Room to run, and the sun
Oh God, to be an animal!
Take me somewhere with no more blank faces
Staring down, without a sound
All these carnivores and cannibals!'

V2
You're dismayed to find
Your hand no longer fits in mine
You act so surprised, but I realize
That four feet on the ground's the way to survive

I gave all my clothes to the Salvation Army
Don't need them now
None to impress, with elegant dress
Don't even need your love to keep me warm

(repeat chorus)
outro
Take me somewhere, I know that it's out there
I've come undone
The taste on my tongue
It's so sweet, I'm just an animal....

Fear

I don't fear you because you're a different race than me
Rather, I fear you because you are human, a condition I happen to share
Therefore, I know exactly what you are capable of

twenty something

I started writing a song about how hard it is to be in the 20s... that space in between what you were and what you will be.
The song slowly wrote itself, painting a picture of frustrations of your dream-adulthood meeting your real-adulthood with an awkward hand-shake, until the last verse... and then nothing. Block. Where does it go? How does it resolve?
So I wrote and re-wrote, but the emotions that drove the first half fell short because the conflict, like the song, had no resolution just yet.
Then, as I looked out at the leaves that I've slowly watched turn from green to red to brown, playing the chords with no words over and over, I was struck with the terrifying nature of growing old. What makes these transitions, these seasons, less terrifying? And slowly the lyrics came. A picture came forward of two hands clasped, standing on a train platform. And the destination of the train didn't matter, the length of the ride didn't matter as long as those two hands remained. It's love, isn't it? Love and living for someone else, that's what takes all the fear away.
And I tried SO hard to not write another love song.

Moody

How can I possibly describe the mood I'm in?
It makes me want to fall in love
It makes me want to fight a stranger
It makes me want to spit off a building and then jump, see what hits the ground first
It makes me want to run
It makes me want to stay home
It makes me want to drink until the world spins
It makes me want to write song after song, singing them until the words lose meaning
It makes me want to kiss someone whose mouth tastes of coffee and cigarettes
It makes me want to swim in dark, cold water, gazing up at an equally dark, cold sky

It makes me very difficult to understand, or even be around
So I wouldn't advise trying.

Blue Autumn

Just outside my window is a tree, just big and occlusive enough that it makes me feel that peace only the woods usually gives me. The leaves on it are starting to turn, and the chill floating through the glass and into my bones reminds me that a new season is upon me. A new season in weather, perhaps, while my own life feels unmistakeable stagnant. I feel restless.... like I'm poised waiting for a starting gun that never seems to come. I'm blessed in this quiet season, I have a wonderful apartment, friends, and hobbies but I can't shake the feeling that I'm called for something bigger. The constant coupling and recoupling, the marriages, engagements, and babies are getting me down. Every 'save the date' I see is a jab at the fact that I'm not anywhere near where I thought I'd be at nearly 24. Am I happy single? Yes... Am I fulfilled? Most days. I pray everyday for an undivided heart. I pray that my life would be shaped in a way that is wholly glorifying and singularly geared towards chasing the heart of God. But I also pray for a partner to navigate this mountain with me. I trust. I believe. I am content. But that doesn't mean I can't be a little blue. 

China Doll

There you sit, my beautiful china doll, behind your glass case
Your perfect golden ringlets tossed across perfect, porcelain skin
Your blue glass eyes settle on me, seemingly calling as fervently
As fervently as I long for you.
But do you not see me as I see myself?
(Perhaps the glare from your glass distorts your view?)
I am a reckless child, too irresponsible to be trusted with anything like you
I will take you by your gossamer gown to my school yard 
I will wage you in war against statuettes of horses and dragons
(Always making you the victor)
We will drink tea, your gown absorbing what your mouth cannot.
I will tell you all my secrets, and kiss your perfect skin with jam-stained lips.
I will tear apart your perfect curls, forcing them into sloppy braids
(To match my own, of course)
My arms will be your display case, holding you worn and tattered next to my heart
Your skin made dirty and warm by mine
My love is dangerous, a passion that blazes so bright that it scalds
A love that squeezes the life from the lover, knowing not the binds of thoughtful restraint
What happens to your value, then, when the marks of our time together grow many?
Or will you gain a deeper, inherent value, simply by the eternal truth that you
Above all others, are loved?

lambs

Selfish.
Whiny.
Entitled.
Ungrateful.
Inconsiderate.
I will wash their feet with my tears and dry them with my hair.

Maybe we should stop and ask for directions

Fellow traveler;
Weak and Weary Wanderer
We share no blood, but we bicker like brothers
We share no common beliefs
But no one understands me in this moment like you do
I need you, you need me
We couldn't be dissimilar other than
One vital commonality:

We are both Lost.

nesting

I am moving into my first real life apartment. No, I'm not moving in with other people like I have been my whole post-nest-leaving life... I am getting and furnishing my own space! I want the way it's decorated to reflect my hopes for my life in the next few years. I want it to be a place of light, lots of open windows with the curtains seldom drawn. Inviting, well-lit, because I want to be known and seen. No more hiding. I won't have a television. My living room will be filled with chairs, so many chairs. Places for any and all who want to take a break from the stress of the day-to-day. Records and games and food and love intermingled with a sense of welcome. And a piano. The sound of music will never leave my home or my heart. This is my dream for a new apartment. Pretty tall order for four walls, right?

children in suits

I feel like part of a generation of children with independence and self-sustaining professions. Where was the crack in the process meant to grow us all up?

Frienddumped

I got friend-dumped. Twice. For the same reason. And the worst part is, for the first time... I didn't do anything to deserve either one.

Spring

My heart is made of spring
My body fits into the season,
like a key into a lock.
Your hand and my hand, they are the only ones we need
(I've already removed the batteries from your clock)
You don't need time to determine
the age of your soul.
You just need your eyes to see
how young we make each other feel. 

Shmalentine's Day

Anyone who knows me knows I have a long, dark history with February 14th (and all festivities the day entails) and have a very low opinion of the whole holiday. One year I even sported a shirt emblazoned with the phrase, "Every time you wish someone a happy Valentine's day, God kills a kitten".  Ordinarily, I will gather all my single friends and we will hold an AntiValentine's day, where bitterness reigns and many zombie films are watched. This year however, I think I will break my glorious tradition of love-hating. I think this year I will accept the fact that just because Valentine's has been cruel to me, does not mean it hasn't been equally kind to others. I will smile rather than sneer at the couples and rejoice in the fact that someone is enjoying love, even if it is not me. Love is beautiful, friends. It can not be explained by mathematical equation or produced by artificial means. It just is, like the smell of rain or the sound of the wind in trees just is. If you have love in your life, whether it is eros, storge, phileo, or agape, treasure it and nurture it on the most loving day of the whole year.

of mice and men

Now I know why a solitary farm full of nothing but bunnies was such an irresistible fantasy. I find myself preoccupied with wild, desperate escapist fantasies. I just want, need, have to get out of here!

5x7

Who will you be when you're nobody?
When everything you've known about yourself shrinks
Until it fits into a 5x7 photograph
What used to make your heart beat
Is a song whose words you just can't remember
(Though occasionally you catch yourself humming the melody)
Your heart beats only for itself  now, a selfish child
Who at any moment may become bored and no longer wish to play your game
What will matter when senses fail?
The love you gave and sent and lived
Will become a bard that sings your story
Long after all else fades to a whisper

2012

Obligatory New Year post. How do you feel about New Year's resolutions? I am definitely a fan of intentionality. A wise friend once told me, "If you don't like something in your life, stop whining about it and change it." I love the idea of making a conscious decision and then acting on it. Some of the best things in my life have come about from that very concept. But for me, New Year's resolutions are fleeting. I make them, I break them, then tell myself I'll try again next year. I hope you'll agree with me when I say I want to make New Day's resolutions. Wake up, open my eyes, decide who and what I want to be and then be that.